“Shadow Losses are the griefs other than Big Death …. but the brain grieves both in the same way” says Cole Imperi.
Shadow loss refers to deep, often hidden, non-death losses (like infertility, divorce, estrangement, or ancestral trauma) that aren’t fully acknowledged by society. These losses are often denied, deferred, or deflected and persist as shadow grief. Also within these shadows, incompletely grieved deaths can be found … of friends, families, and even pets. Recognizing and addressing shadow loss and shadow grief matters because, while they are beneath the conscious mind … and possibly felt only as a dull ache … they can cause real physical and psychological damage.
Shadow grief can feel like an invisible weight, a chronic stress, an emotional flatness, agitation, or a sense of being stuck. It can impair our focus and decision-making, inhibit our ability to find new meaning and purpose, and become a barrier to achieving our personal or professional goals.
Physically, when unaddressed, all grief can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, weakened immune system, insomnia, chronic fatigue, changes in eating habits, chronic headaches, muscle tension, and digestive issues. Emotional and mental health consequences can include anxiety and depression, emotional numbness and detachment, irritability and anger, and substance misuse. And social results of unaddressed shadow grief can lead to difficulty connecting, conflicts within relationships, and social isolation.
To manage shadow loss, we first must name it. We have to be willing to discover and talk about our sources of grief with trusted individuals, support groups, or a behavioral health professional. Self-talk as a means of managing shadow grief can lead us to feel that we are overreacting to legitimate grief. To manage this grief, we may need to discover new rituals for grieving and mourning. Experiences of those who have learned to manage their own shadow grief can be invaluable to us.
Cole Imperi is a dual-certified thanatologist, interfaith chaplain, researcher, serial entrepreneur and one of America’s leading voices on death, dying and grief. As a writer, podcast host, teacher and speaker, she is enthusiastically changing the way we approach loss, death and dying in the United States, and teaches how to live a brighter life by finding the light of loss. Imperi reaches more than 1 million Americans a year and even more outside the US. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqeKwOz3DMQ&t=225
